Thursday, November 25, 2010

Black Friday memories

First of all Happy Thanksgiving! I have so much to be thankful for...I don't think it could fit in a room.

So, as we had some friends over for Thanksgiving we were talking about how now Thanksgiving is overshadowed by the commercialism of Christmas. We can hardly enjoy a day to be thankful because we need to rush out the door to buy more stuff. We can't even enjoy the day now, because some stores are opening tonight at 10:00 pm for deals that cannot wait another few hours. (I don't know what our world would come to if we didn't have yet another cute pair of shoes, jeans, jewelry...)

Before I was married I didn't even hardly know about Black Friday. I just enjoyed the long weekend home with my family. Then I got married and my husband introduced me to the joys of finding a deal at 3:00 in the morning.

The most memorable Black Friday I went to was nine months pregnant with my first son, which truly should have cured me of it. I was introduced to the "thankful hearts" of many that pushed me around and made me stand in line just like everyone else. I guess I should say thank you to all of them, because I was in labor the next evening and gave birth to our son 12 days early for the love of a good deal.

I should have learned my lesson, but the deals reeled me in another year...a laptop for $200 or something like that. We snatched one of the prized possessions only to find out our brother-in-law scooped one up too and was hiding the the clothing section to get away for the angry mob until it was safe to purchase. He bought the one we needed and we were able to gift ours away to a kiss giving Billy Bob Thorton look-alike. It was magic!

Well those two years and moving to a town an hour away from Wal-mart have almost cured me of Black Friday. Part of me wishes I could wake early and stand outside just to feel the rush of buying something for a smoking hot deal. But I think the smarter older side of me will win this year, the one that wants to stay in bed until my kids force me out for another day filled with gratitude.

Happy shopping to all those who brave the madness!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I called...

So today I finally called and set up our IVF consult. It was crazy again to hear that I was calling an infertility clinic. It is still hard to believe that we cannot achieve a pregnancy on our own. I feel normal, until friends talk about wanting another child, and I am snapped back into reality. Oh yeah, the baby thing, of course we want more children, it just isn't as simple for us to achieve. A baby for us is an immense amount of planning, not only during the pregnancy, but long before the pregnancy begins. It begins by setting up an initial consultation, followed by tests, drugs, shots, more drugs, and of course doctors looking at parts that you would rather not be showing to them every other day. At times I feel robbed of the excitement, fun and desire that comes with achieving a pregnancy on your own. Instead of getting baby fever and seeing what will happen in the next few months; I get baby fever and have to push it aside, knowing that only chance at another baby comes with a huge price tag, and that is before it is even in my uterus.

Do I want this baby? Yes, with all my heart. Do I want the next six months to a year trying for another pregnancy? No, not really, but I will do what I need to to hold another precious child to my heart, and know that he or she is mine.

Monday, November 15, 2010

A decrepit

So the other day I was helping our almost six year old son make his top bunk bed. I climbed up on the bottom bed and was reaching and helping him smooth the sheets and covers. He was on top frolicking from one side to the other, trying to make a smooth bed.
Just then he looked over at me and declared, "Gee mom, you are getting really old!"
Realizing that I am not a bouncing teenager anymore, I didn't quite know what to think about his comment. Really old to me is my nearly ninety grandparents that have a hard time toddling around their small house. Surely I am not that old to him. In fact I have always looked very young for my age; for example, when I went to high school people almost directed me to the daycare center, because I surely couldn't have been old enough to be a student. When I received my driver's license, the poor lady almost passed out in fear that a girl could look so young and still be sixteen. We won't even talk about how it was to walk around as a co-ed in college.
So to be told I am getting really old unnerved me. Are my wrinkles showing up? Will my uterus be shot by the time we have money saved up for our next IVF? Do I need to start covering my gray? My poor kids are the ones that will be embarrassed to be seen around me because I look more like a grandma than a mom at school.
All these thoughts rolled around and bounced in my head, when the thought occurred to me that I should ask him what he meant by me being really old.
He replied with a grin the size of Texas, "You know, you are too old to climb up on the bunk bed. That makes you old"
PHEW!! Maybe I am not "really old", just about the right age. Too old for a bunk bed, but just right to be a mom.

Saturday, November 13, 2010


The other morning I was out for my walk with my friend and two year old son. It was frigid, all of 34 degrees, and we could see our breath. We were layered and my son sat bundled in his stroller as we power walked our way down the sidewalk. We were just about working up a sweat and had began to feel warm when we heard a horn beep at us. Now I have to say, usually we ignore the horns of passerby's mostly because they are men trying to pick up on us. (as if the stroller with a baby in it didn't give you a clue, we are not interested.) So we continued walking as the horn kept beeping at us. "Gee, they really never give up, do they," I thought.
Well out of the corner of my eye I saw the over-sized passenger van slowing and I realized it was the local bus beeping to get our attention. She pulled over and opened the door and asked, "Do you ladies need a ride?"
We looked at each other quizzically and back to her and replied, "Oh, no thank you, we are out exercising."
She gave us the most perplexed look as she drove away. I guess in our little town exercising still hasn't quite caught on, especially in 34 degree weather.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


No that is not our weekly salary, but we can dream...
It is actually the number of calories in ice cream my hubby and I have consumed over the course of three months. Sick, right? Long live shakes and chocolate lava cakes. :)

What infertility has given me

Lately I have been reading post about what infertility costs, both emotionally and physically. I have been there, both my heart and my pocketbook have shown a loss, but today I don't want to focus on what it has cost me, even if the costs have been great. Rather than focus on my losses, I would like to focus on what it has given me.

First of all, love and compassion: I do feel that I have always been a loving person, but sometimes I haven't always been able to express it. Infertility has opened a whole new world of people that have struggled with loss. I feel great amounts of love for them in their struggle. I can empathize with the pain and loss in a way I never thought possible.
In addition to the love I feel for others, my love for my family has increased. The love I have for my husband and children have deepened commensurate with the struggles we have been through. I appreciate a husband that can cry and laugh with me. Our love has been strengthened as we long for more children. I truly believe that I have been able to love my children more and appreciate the true gift they are to me. I know how fast a baby grows and changes, and I have been able to heighten my sensitivity to their changes. I appreciate each day they are with me as a gift from God, and the things I do for them as a way to share my love with them.

Second, I have been able to love each stage more intensely. If I had been able to have my children they way I would have wanted, I would have never been able to fully appreciate the terrific two's or the tremendous three's. I would have had another baby to fill my time instead of being able to focus completely on each stage of wonderment and discovery.

Third, pregnancy was not as big as a pain for me. I get incredible sick when pregnant, so sick I hardly am able to enjoy the wonderful miracle growing inside of me. When we had our first child without any struggles I bemoaned each day of morning sickness, and could hardly imagine putting myself through all of it again (even though I planned on more children.) My second pregnancy wasn't without the toilet hugging, but I appreciated it more. I was so in love with the fact I could achieve another pregnancy the inconvenience of being sick, gaining weight, stretch marks, etc. became welcome blessings instead of horrible nuisances.

To say my perspective has been broadened by infertility is an understatement. Would I wish it on anyone else? Not a chance. We all have our challenges in life to overcome, I believe that is why we are here; to learn, grow, and become someone better than we could ever imagine. Am I there yet? Not by a long shot, but I am grateful for a Father in Heaven that is willing to work with me.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Christmas madness...already?

Yesterday in the mail I received this:

Now I know it looks innocuous, but to a mother of a six year old it states danger if opened by said six year old. I quickly concealed it between the seat and the center console of the car thinking that I could dispose of it later.
Well I didn't dispose of it while I had the chance and today old Eagle Eye spied the catalog and asked, "What's this, mom?"
I was caught. "Oh that," I said innocently. "Just a Lego catalog."
"What!!" he cried. He began pouring through each page asking what each set was named and promptly saying, "Ooo that is what I want for Christmas," after each item was scoured.
Not that I am a scrooge, but I really didn't want him to find the catalog. I knew the items he would want were far out of our price range, and I didn't want to disappoint the poor guy. "If only I had disposed of the catalog yesterday while he was at school," I kept saying to myself.
After he combed the catalog several times he came up with the mother of all presents to ask for, a Death Star from Star Wars. Not that it isn't cool, but the price made me close to pass out...a mere $399.99.
Quite the wish list in the making. Now how do I break it to him that Santa doesn't have that in his budget?