Trying to keep smiling

Unfortunately our cycle ended in a chemical pregnancy. I can't describe my feelings other than I feel completely numb. I am trying to get past the feelings, but haven't quite figured it out. We were very quiet about this cycle, so it is very hard to face family and friends with my feelings. I am trying to pretend I am ok, but really I am not. Hopefully my feelings will return, and there will be no causalities at the next family gathering.

Couch queen

My doctor made it very clear to my hubby that I was to be treated like Queen Cleopatra the few days post transfer, and he as not disappointed. The past few days I have been the couch queen...the iPad 2 has been my constant companion, (I run the battery dead every day). I have read novels, watched movies, tv and most importantly I have caught up on sleep. I have had whatever I have wanted as far as food goes, moose tracks ice cream, chocolate, fruit, most anything good. So if I am not pregnant, I sure will look pregnant by next week. I must be eating out of boredom, because usually I eat fairly healthily minus the ice cream, something I may never be able to give up. So my son came home for a little fiesta, and of course they had a piñata filled with all sorts of treats. My hubby got a chocolate, and my Homer Simpson kicked in..."mmmm....chocolate" I asked for a piece of chocolate, but alas only straight sugar. I craved peanut M&M's, so my request was granted...gee I could get used to this.

IVF #4

As you can see I have been MIA... This summer has been INSANE, like nothing else. So what do I do to make it even worse?...I decided that it would be the perfect time to do another round of IVF. Crazy, I know, but it just seemed right. And amazingly enough it hasn't been beyond doable, in fact I have felt at peace with it despite our slightly (who am I kidding) extremely stressful summer. I only had a freak out moment yesterday, one day before the transfer occurred. But luckily this morning as I sat in the sterile transfer room I felt peace unlike any other. Maybe that was the Valium, but I was at peace long before the doctor handed me the goods. Now I need to back up a little and share the news that we got when the doctor came in to show us our little Blasts. Now this doctor has talked with us in the past, that we could do a single transfer due to my size, so imagine my shock when I saw three little bubbles. I asked incredulously are there three? He explained that two were of marginal quality. One was good, one fair, and one Ok. He left the room to let us make a decision. We talked, and ultimately we prayed, our decision was to implant all three. I don't believe it will result in triplets, the odds are very small, but I didn't want to take away a possible chance at a baby. All went well, and now I rest and wait.

staying positive

We are here, and trying to keep a positive attitude. It is easy to get down when you can't see the future, but it is what makes us stronger. So instead of focusing on the challenges I am looking forward and most importantly looking at our immediate blessings.
After graduation we moved into my parents' house, not exactly a palatial experience, in fact we nicknamed our new dwelling the "cool cave". We are in the unfinished portion of the basement, like I said, not palatial, but it has its advantages. It is really cool down there and more excitedly is free. Yep, we are totally blessed to have a place to live during our transition without paying a penny. It also has some extra perks such as my mom paying for most of the groceries! Yay us!
My husband is working so hard to study for his boards in July and I know he will pass. He works so hard and he studies all day to be ready. I am really proud of his attitude and hard work. I know his long hours will pay off.
I am blessed to have my education. I am applying for work as well and it is so wonderful to put a degree and experience on my resume. My first choice would to be home with my children, but I feel blessed that I can work in a desired location and profession.
Life is great even in its hardest of times, our focus and energy becomes us. I hope to continue to focus on our blessings and gifts; not the inconveniences that are part of life.

Myth: If you already have one child, you know you are fertile and will have no problems conceiving again

We are living proof that this is a myth. We got pregnant with our first son within two months of stopping birth control. We never thought becoming pregnant again would be a problem, even our regular OB/GYN didn't believe that we would have a problem. My favorite was him pointing to my child and saying, "Well we know that your husband works by the looks of your son, so let's get you ovulating." So a few cycles of clomid and OPK and no results left us confused, until my hubby saw a urologist. What the big surprise for us was the diagnosis...male factor obstructive azoospermia. How could we possibly have a child if my husband's sperm count is zero?!? We have some answers, but not all. His hernia repair surgeries damaged his vas deferens, but his surgeries were before we conceived our son (the last one being 4 months before conception). I guess our son was conceived with the last of the swimmers left in the tubes. So we had male factor secondary infertility.

Of course after we told people we couldn't have any more children on our own they would ask why we had to do IVF after TESA for a baby. "Couldn't you just shoot some sperm up in there and get pregnant?" First of all I guess I could with donor sperm, but we did not want that route yet, and TESA does not retrieve much sperm, IVF/ICSI was our only option to have a biological child.
Another comment I would get was, "It only takes one." Well if you know the facts under 20 million sperm is a low count, and last I checked 20 million is a whole lot more than one, and if people were having trouble getting pregnant with 20 million my chances were zero.

After all this explanation well meaning people would say, "Since you already have a child, it will be easy for your body to get pregnant with the IVF, you will only have to do it once and you will get triplets." In reality it took three times. One completely failed cycle, one canceled cycle and one frozen cycle to get one child. Even though my body had been pregnant, it didn't mean that I would automatically get pregnant with help. Many factors go into getting pregnant, and it doesn't always work, even if your body has had a successful pregnancy.

For more information about infertility go to:
http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
http://www.resolve.org/takecharge

a whole lot of craziness

So...we are officially done with school. Hubby took his last final this morning, graduation on Saturday and moving day Thursday, mind you clear across the country (0nly 1838 miles to be exact!) It is crazy, even more crazy when you consider we have 10 people (including us) staying in our little 2 bedroom apartment with 1 1/2 baths for the celebration.

We bought our trailer and we have sifted through the junk. I have taken carloads to the local charity organization and trash bags to the dumpster. Who knew that we had that much junk? It feels so good to get rid of so much stuff. I hope I don't cry when we get settled and I realize that my stuff is in someone's house besides my own. I am almost sure I won't, but with all the stress I just might :)

On another note, I have been having major insurance issues. I am trying to buy reasonable insurance until my husband secures a job and it is insane. I thought I found some insurance that was reasonable, only to find out they did not carry the insurance in our new location. So I found insurance in our new location signed up only to find out that I cannot be on it until we actually are residents of the state. I found something else that had maternity insurance (which is something I really want, in preparation for a frozen cycle sometime soon) only to find out it had a combined deductible of $15,000.00 for maternity, that is besides the $10,000.00 deductible for regular stuff. So, my question is why insurance if we have to pay everything out of pocket anyway?

#10 Limit Yourself to Thinking About One subject as You Lie Down to Sleep

Really?!? Is that possible? My mind is a 10 track race course that has at least 20 things whizzing by on it during any one part of the day. In fact when I get a moment alone...oh wait do I ever get a moment alone...I am solving the world's problems including my own. It usually happens when I am getting ready in the morning...I get out of the shower and tell my husband about the million and one plans I have for the day.

So does anyone else feel this way, or is it only me? Please tell me I am not the only one that thinks way too much.

Luckily at night I can wind down and think about only three or four things. I don't have a problem sleeping, yet...but do not want to develop a problem with sleeping, especially because my mind is going. I have had that happen a few times, and it is not fun.

Any ideas on how to wind down, not think about a zillion things at once, fall asleep fast, without medication? I am sure I am not the only one who would be interested in some sage wisdom.